Q: What's a good sex toy? How might you utilize it in such a way that isn't awkward?
A: Masturbation and sex toys [especially for folks with standard female genitalia] are two things that just aren't discussed enough, so I am excited you asked this! Sex toys are great! These are some of the few things that are really magically safe in the sexual world. You cannot get pregnant from your sex toy. If you properly clean and sterilize it and make sure not to share, it is almost guaranteed that you won't get any infections from it. There are tons of different kinds of sex toys for all different styles: vibrators, dildos, harnesses, butt plugs, anal beads, nipple clamps, cock rings… There is something for nearly everyone.
On the issue of awkwardness, I am not sure if you mean socially or physically awkward, so I will speak to both. If something physically feels awkward, stop! Masturbation and sex toys are about figuring out what you can do to make yourself feel awesome. If anything feels less than awesome, I recommend trying it a different way or moving on. For example, if you are inserting something into an orifice [a hole in your body] and you aren't into it - try a different orifice or the clitoris! Maybe even stop touching altogether, read some erotica, and try again later.
As for social awkwardness, I want to say here and now, loud and proud, that masturbation and sex toys are amazing and nothing anyone should have to feel awkward about. We live in a culture that encourages us to reject our sexuality, and why should we have to? What is embarrassing about getting off? Why is it shameful to make yourself or your partner feel good? Getting to know your own body and sexual identity through experimentation with sex toys and masturbation enables you to see and feel what your body is like in a healthy state, to discover how your individual sexual response works, explore your orientation and gender identity, and gauge your sexual expectations realistically. All these things are wonderful so don't hesitate!
In my experience, a lot of folks are much better able to orgasm once they discover the joys of the vibrator. A good one to start with would be the Water Dancer [a vibrator for $29.00 plus shipping at www.goodvibes.com]. It is a clitoral stimulator, which is a good place to start as the clitoris is the only thing in the human body that is solely there for pleasure, and the Water Dancer is also vaginally insertable. Since it is only about four inches long, if you're interested in being discreet its easy to stash away, even in your pocket. It is completely waterproof so that you can get down in the bath or shower, which may be a great way to relax a bit before getting started.
Q: What if we want to have sex but his penis is very small?
A: Ah, the size question. This comes up all the time with people of all genders and orientations. It is a common misconception that a large penis is the key to a happy sexual experience which is, again, something our society teaches us that is all wrong. I like to get in the habit of constantly re-evaluating what I have been told about sex by health teachers, the media, friends, etc. Initially, what we learn is that putting a penis in a vagina is sex. So does that mean using a tongue or fingers instead of a penis is not sex? That getting off by yourself or with a sex toy is not getting it on? That people without penises who sleep together aren't humping? It's tricky. When you ask these questions it seems like you don't even need a penis to have sex. Sex can be any combination of these things. You can certainly have sex without having a penis enter a vagina at all, so the fact is that if there is a penis involved and it is very small it truly doesn't matter.
Even if you are stuck to the old model of sex, there isn't anything wrong with a penis on the smaller side. It is the way a person tunes into their partner that makes sex wonderful. A person could have the world's most perfect penis but if they don't pay attention to their partner's moods and reactions it isn't worth a damn thing.
Q: Can you have sex while you're having your period?
A: Can you ever! When you're menstruating, your genitals work just as well as when you are not. The question is whether or not you want to. Some people find that they are too cranky or sensitive to have sex when they are on the rag. Some find that they just aren't in the mood. Others love it! Some folks [experts included] say that a good orgasm is beneficial if you have cramps. If you have a partner you feel safe and comfortable with during this time it is an amazing experience to share your blood with them. Another good option is to spend some time having sex with yourself during your period. A lot of folks find that they want to be alone but still have sexual urges, which of course shouldn't be ignored!
If you are the partner of a person who is menstruating don't be afraid to voice your feelings on sex during this time! If you are really interested in it, it will make things more comfortable if you say so. If you really aren't into it, don't hesitate to speak up respectfully. What you want matters too.
If you are going to engage in sexual activity with anyone besides yourself when you're menstruating it is important to take normal necessary precautions. Because there is blood involved, there is a heightened risk of HIV [and other blood born diseases] transmission. Be safe and have fun!
Lacy J. Davis organized the teen activist program TORCH [teens
organizing for reproductive choice] for NARAL pro-choice
Pennsylvania until that branch was discontinued. She likes sandwiches, sex, knitting, and radical
politics. Send your sex questions to: thelacydavis@gmail.com